BEWARE THE MAN WHO CHEWS IN BED

It’s been a while since I wrote a post like this *cracks neck side to side* How not to be caught naked, American boy, How can a toilet seat save your life?

I was banged by this guy who was half horse/half gym machine. I’ll let you guess which half was which. Any way as built as he was he chewed gum like a cow. I don’t mean he had a long tongue (I wish) no, he would have his mouth wide open the entirety of chewing whilst kind of lip smacking. I appreciate a man who freshens his breath for a bang but what about some consideration for health and safety? I agreed for sex, not the possibility of having to perform the Heimlich and save his life.

So everything was going smashingly (<–haha) until we had finished and I noticed he was no longer chewing. Thinking this strange I asked about the gum for him to reply he had ‘Put it out’. Now not wanting to be a nag I didn’t question further but could not help thinking ‘But where!?’ We were in a tiny room banging and I had not seen him put this gum anywhere. Only to not ruin the post sex vibe I let it go.

Walking him out to the front door I could feel my legs  restricted in movement, forcing me to take tiny pigeon steps and arse toggling movements. As soon as he was out I had my own Olympic race walking event to try and find the nearest hand held mirror to stick between my legs to see what the f*ck what was going on. I’d watched Ghostbusters earlier in the day and my first thought was this was some kind of mutant sperm. Because of the restriction I had to lay on the bed on my back and do a half backwards role with my legs supported in the air by imaginary tightly closed stirrups, with one hand holding the mirror up in position and the other used to help spread what was now a water tight arse. In the mirror I could see a think white goo stretching across attaching all cheeks together. Yes. All cheeks. Together.

It was the missing gum. Momentarily angry before saying ‘Shiiii*iit’ all hushed and serious. I quickly started going through all of the ways I had heard of to get out gum.

  1.  Freeze it – Not possible. For the sanctity of hygiene my arse couldn’t go near the freezer and I doubt a bag of frozen peas would cut it.
  2. Peanut Butter – No peanut butter at home and all shops closed at that time of night. But if there was believe me I would have been smearing peanut butter all.up.on.that 😉
  3.  Cut it out – Yes..cut. From that bit of awkward hair that’s positioned in a place where it’s questionable whether it would be classed as pubes or arse hair.

In the end a bit of soap and water managed to do the trick. But I learnt a lot that night- Beware the man who chews gum in bed

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