My ex boyfriend used to sneak me into his house in the middle of the night, when his mum was asleep.
This was because in the many years we were together I had never been introduced to her, spoken to her, even glimpsed sight of her; so was essentially non existent to this woman. Knowing my luck the ‘mum’ was probably his wife. Maybe a bit of a far fetched theory but who knows? (clearly not me).
This particular visit was for a quickie. One so quick we didn’t even make it upstairs to the bed but instead to the tiny downstairs toilet which had just enough room for us both to stand in. Having to be creative with the limited space he sat down on the toilet (lid down obviously) and I straddled him. I was bouncing away merrily when we heard a loud sound. We both froze thinking his mum/wife had woken up and would bang on the locked toilet door any moment. The noise stopped so I returned to my tempo until disturbed again seconds later. Pausing we both looked up and around to try and locate the source of the sound, nothing obvious stood out so we once again continued.
When we finished I stood up first and squished into the corner, standing on one foot in an attempt to try and make more room. He rose slowly, clearly wounded by the pounding his legs had taken from my large mass of thighs. He was half way between sitting and standing when a huge cracking noise filled the room. Another crack erupted followed by the plastic toilet seat splitting into two, half of which fell into the toilet creating a huge crash and a splash of water (imagine the sound a GIANT sh*t would make..please, please excuse crudeness). It was the most unexpected and funniest thing ever. Even the thought of being caught by his mum/wife was not enough to stop me from laughing.
He later told me had he told his mum/wife he had broken the seat by standing on it trying to kill a spider. This should have been my clue he was a master liar..
Lesson Learnt: Beware the man who ignores the crack and a wooden toilet seat can save your life…(Another lesson which should also be taken from this story is you should probably (definitely) not be dating a man when you are unsure as to whether his mum IS his mum or his wife. Yes, awfully confusing but sadly this is not the turning point where I figured it out. Take heed (with all of the above).